I never go anywhere without my cell phone. At work, the gym, the shower, the phone is always at my side. I’m waiting on a call. Not just any call. The call that will change everything. The call from our birthmother telling us that a son has been born.

I’ve been waiting on this moment long before we were matched 7 months ago with a young woman that I have come to love and adore. No, this journey, this hope, this waiting began years ago. It started when my husband and I naively thought that having a baby would be easy. We figured all it would take was a couple of flickering candles, a bottle of wine, and a Marvin Gay Cd. Hell, we didn’t even need the wine, candles,and music. We were young and in love-what more did we need.

Thanks to my husband’s super sperm, it really did appear it would be easy. All three times we were pregnant relatively quick. But, getting pregnant never seemed to be the problem, keeping the pregnancy proved to be far more complicated than we would ever have believed. Three miscarriages, one a particularly difficult molar pregnancy resulting in the death of our son at our 12 week appointment, and suddenly our dreams of being parents seemed nothing more than that-just dreams.

Adoption was the way we decided we would make those dreams tangible again. We did our homework, found a good lawyer, advertised in papers and on the web. We were blessed because low and behold-we found a birthmother, or I should say that she found us. Angel, not her real name, called us only a week after we put our profile up on a popular adoption site on the web. She was only 8 weeks pregnant at the time. Tentatively we moved forward taking “baby steps.”

There we were, two strangers. Each of us had needs and fears and hopes. We started the process slowly-testing each other, navigating carefully. As days passed into months, we allowed ourselves to trust each other. We laughed together, we cried together, we even fought with each other when the emotions became too much. Over time, we became family. The mutual love we share for this child, not yet born, forged bonds that I believe will last us a lifetime. It has not been easy. It will not be easy. I would not trade it for the world.

Fast-forward to today. We are sitting by the phone waiting for the call that will tell us that Angel is in labor and her son, our son is ready to be born. It is an exciting time, but also one that is filled with uncertainty and fear.

I realize I have no right to call myself Mother, not yet. I know I shouldn’t have allowed myself to fall so deeply in love with this child who is not yet mine. I know there is a chance that he may never be. But, like with each pregnancy, I allow myself to hope. I put together the bassinet. I set up the swing. I wash every piece of clothing I’ve bought in the sweet smell of Dreft, and I most importantly I hold tightly to the phone-willing it to ring.