Letter To My Beating Heart
Written by Kelly on February 1st, 2009Dear Heart,
Do you remember when Dad took us in to the city for the very first time? We could not have been more than 6 or 7. You kept pace, thub, dub, thub, dub, thub, dub, with my excitement the entire time on the subway line. How wildly you beat against the skyscrapers, tall as the little girl dreams I dreamt that night on the pink-lined paper of a diary I locked with a flimsy gold key. You were the rhythm I danced on the street corner, keeping time with the man who beat music on an overturned bucket with shiny silver spoons. We were so young then, you and I, so sure the world was without harm and infinite. I do not think we realized, then, that you would ever skip a beat.
Thub, dub, thub, dub, thub dub, wild beatings in the 7th grade stairway when Tommy Greener snaked his fingers up my skirt to scratch the skin of my soft and dough-like thighs. Your urgent message that we were cornered was falling on the deaf ears of the girl raised on the pop make believe of Debbie Gibson and Phil Collins. I battered my eyes thick with shimmery pink and blue eyeshadow and wondered if this was what a love song should feel like. I am sorry for the way you broke fast and furious the next day when he did not become my boyfriend, but instead the town crier who told everyone I did not shave past my kneecaps. I should have listened to you then.
Dear heart, are you still bleeding?
I’m sorry for the years that I lost you in the hazy fog of cigarettes and too much booze. It took me a while to reclaim you from that desolate snowbank where my legs were forced open and two men tore you to shreds. I left pieces of you there, your thub-dub softly fading. I decided to go it on my own. It was just too hard to feel anything for awhile, those years I walked around without you, a gaping hole.
You beat a symphony for me the first time he held my hand. The steady thub, dub, thub, dub returning as we walked to protest rallies and he taught me how to take back my own night. I realized then that you have a stronger memory than I, because it would be you to first beat the child-like wonder in the simplicity of a kiss under a streetlight even though my virginity was a long way gone.
Do not be still my beating heart. My road map. My confidant. You are all at once the most familiar sound and yet each day I rediscover you. I watch you run outside my body in the shape of Bug and Butterfly. I awe at how you do not burst in the joy I take in mothering them. Thub, dub, thub, dub, thub, dub, you are this chorus of triumphant, all trumpets blaring joyful for me now.
Good heart. I do not know what lies ahead, more love or disappointment. I know that I can not shield you, us, from loss, death, and despair. All I can do is listen. Each night I pray that we rock steady for a while, thub, dub, thub, dub, thub dub, this anthem that you beat inside my body, this song you sing inside your walls.
This post was inspired by the amazing women over at blogher, and this initiative. Go check it out!
1
AM
That broke my heart. You continue to amaze me with the way you weave your words into such glorious stories.
1
AM
I am astounded at your writing. Just beautiful.
1
PM
you are phenomenal
1
PM
I wonder every day, how I can protect my girls from the brutality of the town crier. His cruelty far more subtle than the two men and a snowbank.
2
AM
Oh, this one made my own heart skip a beat. Your writing is stunning and beautiful. Your history so like my own. It’s a good thing our hearts remember how to beat, or mine would have quit long ago…Peace and gentle hugs – D
2
PM
I do love the way you write. Right from the heart.
2
PM
Gorgeous writing!
3
AM
How strong can a heart be!
3
PM
I just want to hug you to pieces right now. Seriously. That was…exquisite, I believe is the word I’m looking for.
3
PM
I started to read this post in my reader the other day, but I could tell from just the first few sentences that this would be one I’d want to read when I had time to really read it. I was right. This is beyond beautiful and touching. I even cried a little. And I’m just amazed by your writing. Wow.
3
PM
Your beating heart has me all riled up, a cobra ready to strike anyone’s fingers about to flick anything you.
So perfectly wonderful, painful, bruised and exciting.
4
AM
That gave me goosebumps! You have an amazing way with words… I found you through In From The Back Door
4
PM
i was JUST telling someone about how you know how to weave your words to make an incredible piece of art.
and it’s me…who can’t think of anyone better to hang with…than YOU!!
5
AM
I little thought coming’in through the backdoor’would end in this incredible piece of writing behind yet another door…
7
AM
This is beautiful, am so pleased I stumbled over here today, thank you…Katie
9
AM
This, my friend, is why I love clicking over to your place: real thoughts, well-chosen words, and a lovely depth and cadence. It’s literature here, fluff elsewhere. Thanks for that.
9
AM
What a beautiful post Conversemomma, a perpetual Valentine’s Day gift to us readers. Thank you. YOU are BlogHer of the Week!
9
AM
This is the kind of content that is going to help heal health care. Fresh, real and growing every day. LOVE it.
10
AM
Wow. Just wow.
10
PM
I’m gasping. Wow. Beautifully written.
11
AM
painful in its beauty and poetic in its ache. I’m trying to compose some of my loves and losses and loves again here (and the day before’s too, and this is what they want to be when they grow up! yours.
congrats on your blogher note. and here’s to your strong, powerful, exquisite (yep, stole from poster above) heart. I will most certainly be back.
11
PM
Thank you for this powerful writing, I am moved and touched by your candor, and vividity of your words.
14
PM
That was one of the best pieces of literature I have read in a long time. What a rush!
9
AM
Not sure how I found my way to your blog, but so, so glad I did. What a beautifully written piece.
28
AM
This was beautiful. I found my way here via blogher, and I’m so glad that I did.
3
AM
Cool site, love the info.