Denouncement
Written by Kelly on March 9th, 2009I am ashamed that I have baptized my children in the Roman Catholic Church.
I stood on an ornately carved altar in the church I was raised in, with my family at my side, and I vowed as a mother to give my two children over to God.
Why did I do this?
I remember being in the 8th grade and going to meet with a nun before my confirmation. Shrouded in black habit, authoritarian and grizzled, Sister Katherine informed me that confirmation would make me a women in the eyes of the church. She then went on to tell me that my mother was most likely going to hell for having gotten her tubes tied.
I walked away from the church at 18 without a backward glance. I went to college where I found Eastern Philosophy and fell in love with a Jewish boy who liked to go on long walks and talk about the Tao Te Ching. God was not an organized construct then. He, she, the energy of creation was everywhere for me. I found God in the shake of a tree limb, and the roll of a wave against a shoreline I would barefoot and explore.
How did I get from that barefoot college girl to the high-heeled mother making a vow to raise her children in the church?
Miscarriage. My three miscarriages made me angry and vulnerable. I laid in bed and cursed at God. I stood at my Grandfather’s gravesite carrying in my pocket the St. Christopher’s medal he gave me as a gift for my confirmation. I dipped myself grief stricken against the cold marble of his headstone. I needed to believe that there was a force out there greater than myself, my broken body; something or someone that could bring me the thing I longed for the most. I sat in sturdy church pews at Christmas time and made a vow to give myself back to organized religion if only I would be granted forgiveness in the form of motherhood.
When my daughter was born, I went back.
We baptized the children on a Saturday afternoon. My Irish Catholic grandparents made the trip up from Virgina. I remember how proud my Grandmother was to pass on the heirloom baptismal dress the 17 grandchildren of our family had all worn. My daughter would be the first great-granddaughter bestowed with this honor.
I remember my former altar boy father expressing relief that his two grandchildren would not end up in the void of wingless purgatory. Carried on the back of nostalgia for the way I was raised, all those Sunday afternoons of sitting side by side with my parents signing church hymns with hands entertwined, I felt full and complete in the moment the priest blessed my babies with holy water. My children cried out in protest.
What about my own protest?
I kept trying to tell myself that I could be like my mother, who is pro-choice but goes faithfully to church and, as she tells it, prays in her own way. I held fast to the shaky belief that I could be a part of something even though I was adamantly opposed to the way priests walked clean after multiple counts of molestation, and the church still would not accept and love the parts of their congregation who are gay.
I kept force feeding myself the lie I was raised on, the lie that the church is about love, faith, and extended arms.
I can not continue on with that lie.
Recently, the Vatican has chosen to excommunicate a Brazilian woman and her nine year old daughter. The church has turned their back on this family because the mother allowed her daughter to abort her twin pregnancy. Actually, the church has not turned their back on the entire family. Just the daughter and the mother. The church still has those arms wide open for the step-father. That would be the same step-father who had been raping the little girl, who weighs in at only 80 pounds, since she was 6 years old. That bastard is still welcome to take communion.
My stomach turns as I type this post.
There is no amount of childhood nostalgia that will permit me to continue belief in an organization that grants forgiveness for a heinous rapist while shunning a victimized little girl.
I made the mistake of baptizing my children based on the nostalgia for the way I was raised in a loving family, and my overwhelming gratefulness that I was able to be a mother after many years of trying and three times loss. But as a mother, I owe it to my children to protect them from hate and lies. I owe it to my children to teach them the truth about a compassionate God, something I’m certain the Vatican knows nothing about.
9
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Isn’t the heirloom baptismal dress the key reason to baptize your kids? Shouldn’t it mainly be about family, traditions, and above all togetherness? That’s the Catholic teaching I was lucky to receive when I grew up. But I turned away from it after pregnancy loss. There’s definitely a greater force out there. But I’m still looking for a reason for human suffering and death.
PS on a very different note … I laughed at the image of the barefoot college girl becoming a high heeled mother – I just love your writing!
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I was raised in the Christian faith, but have been an atheist for a long time now.
Every time something like the story about that poor child shows up in the news… no matter the religion, it gives me affirmation in my own belief that there is no such thing as a loving God.
I think part of really growing up… the kind of growth where you look back at who you were and realize how much you’ve learned, is questioning all childhood indoctrination. Not just the religious kind.
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Ami: I think I still believe in some force or energy greater than myself that is loving. I call it God. I want my children to know God. I just think organized religions need to stop thinking they have a monopoly on it, ya know. Especially, when their actions are counter to what I believe a God would feel in his or her heart.
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I am a lapsed Catholic. Many years ago the Church and I parted ways, if only because their Jesus and MY Jesus are two completely different people – their God and My God are two very different beings. But I was raised Catholic. There were certain values I learned from that upbringing that I value today, not the least of which is a strong sense of right and wrong. And a belief I shouldn’t do anything to anyone else that I wouldn’t want done to me. So for that I am grateful for my upbringing. But I was also allowed to make my own choices when I began to question the things I had been taught. for that I thank my parents – forward thinkers that they were.
I guess there’s nothing wrong with being a Catholic. Just as long as it’s treated as a starting point – and not the end point. The Church is, after all, a human construction, populated by human beings, and to expect any loftier performance by them than any other men is perhaps, beyond the pale.
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That is friggin’ WRONG! That is more sinful than anything else I can imagine.
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The vatican was made by men – not god – the organizes religion – again man made. I have little faith in organized religion and I applaud your teaching your children what you really believe. That was eventually the same route I took but only after I baptised them in the Orthodox Christian religion.
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Oh my dear, don’t be ashamed. Carry with you the rights and the wrongs, as I know you do, and live with the brilliance of love. Sounds like cheese perhaps, but it is the truth. You have worked it all out. Your children will benefit from all your work and they are going to do good deeds, spread much love.
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Amen.
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Oh. My. God.
I don’t know why this surprises and shocks me, but it does. It hurts us all when something like this happens. It cheapens life.
I hope those jerks all burn in the fiery hell they believe in.
Anne Rice wrote a beautiful book last year about her return to the Church (which I reviewed for Internet Review of Books – it will be in the March issue), but I can’t understand anyone sticking by a church that so obviously is so anti-human and is run by a former Nazi Youth.
May we all find peace, here and in the afterlife – D
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Kel, a couple months ago, in a post i did on ten things I wish I could do before I die. one of my top ones was “slap a pope, any pope!” I’m with ya-i was raised in that mess too!~Rick I can’t swear I know exactly what God is, But He ain’t that!
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Beautifully written and so sad, too. Great point how nostalgia can be a huge part of organized religion that can almost cover some of the bigotry, ignorance and general “wrongness” that goes on until something as horrible as this kind of makes folks take a step back. Sometimes way back.
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I don’t know what to say.
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I wasn’t raised in a religious home, but understood the importance of being Jewish – more from a cultural stance than a religious one.
When my son was born I was mystified as to how I’d convey any sense of God to my son. How can I preach what I don’t practice?
Over the years I’ve slid under the radar until this winter when my Jewish son said to me “I believe in Santa Clause but I don’t believe in God.” In the same sentence he also told me he thought life was beautiful.
So now what?
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I struggle with this very thing. We made the decision to raise our children Catholic and send them to Catholic school (reading that now, I realize it was the other way around: Catholic school was the best option and my husband felt they’d fit in better as members of the Church), but I am not a Catholic. I thought for a year or so that I might join the church, focusing on the Universal Truths (i.e., morality), but the hypocrisy is too much to overlook – theirs and mine.
However, that said, I think you’re being too hard on yourself. As Francesca wrote, the dress, the family, the ceremony was important. The rest, they’ll decide for themselves when they are old enough. As the youngest of four kids, I often wondered why my parents never bothered to have me baptised, even though religion was never part of our family life.
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I don’t do organized religion. But I do believe in a power great than myself. And I know that such a power exists because of several things that happened before the death of my parents. These things are not explainable by any other means. Thanks for stopping by my site. I’m subscribing to yours.
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Wow. This is why I don’t believe in organized religion. And it’s remarkable how so many people who are so insistent about Christian family values act in the least Christian ways to people outside of their their accepted ways of being.
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Amen Hallelujah sister! There is loving the face of the sacred that you get to see before a staircase of raptly lit candles, and then there is swallowing the barbed horsepill of religious politics.
And ne’er the twain…
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I was going to write that tradition is enough to keep going, to teach your children the songs and give them the memories of giggling in the pews. But then I got to the end. Catholicism, for a long time, hasn’t been making the right choices. I can find a Protestant church that is open and affirming, but Catholics are bound by the Vatican. It’s so hard when you have to stare down something you were raised with, something you want to believe in, because of an adult realization of truth. It’s like losing a part of yourself.
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I’m right there with you.
Raised in the Lutheran Church…
Now sending my step kids to a Lutheran school…
It’s a better education. Except they come home with some very misinformed stuff… it’ll be fine up until they start talking about the controversial things… like homosexuality, abortion, evolution, and masturbation….
Guess we’ll see where it goes from there.
Damn shame about the excommunication of the little girl and her mother. These are all the same reasons I strayed…
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I understand your having to step away.
The Catholic Church’s decision in this matter is such a perverse approach and exhibits such a lack of compassion that I don’t even have words yet to talk about it.
Go easy on yourself with regard to baptizing your children in that Church. No matter what ritual they’ve experienced, they are their own souls, and you can raise them with a kind and loving sense of the universe.
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I feel the exact same way, but I don’t yet have kids. I’d like to think that I will not baptize them, but the family tradition might still be stronger than the political statement. Maybe. Here’s my rant on the subject:
http://hardtobehuman.blogspot.com/2009/03/way-to-harsh-my-buzz.html
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Thanks for visiting my post; I totally agree with your sentiment.
Honestly I only scanned your post the first time – I’m very sorry about your miscarriages. I’ve had one myself, have yet to try again ($$ worries, mostly), but making that decision (whether to baptize) is not something I look forward to. My Italian-Catholic family will think I’m a heathen, but it’s not like I wouldn’t have very good reason to choose to not baptize my kids. Just wrong. Did you know the stepfather had been abusing her older sister as well? I don’t want to commune with him, period.
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Powerful writing. There’s such a strong message in this. I share your anger at what has happened in Brazil, and at all the similarly-clad nameless stories which came before.
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I think you can raise your children knowing that the religion they were baptised under is flawed.
horrifically so.
My mother, raise catholic in Italy, turned her back, her entire being on the idea of a god after what she witnessed during the war.
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I’ve been having stomach aches over this story as well. Thank you for putting it perspective so nicely.
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r u kidding me? Sadly, no you are not. I’m I can’t say anymore b/c it just makes me too angry.
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I am deeply moved by your thoughts and feelings. I am deeply sorry for you pain, anger, whatever about the injustices you have faced. You are a powerful writer and an honest sould beyond measure.
I was not raised in any church, but I had to make my own way by reading the Bible and finding out what it really said. About salvation, about dying, about sin. It took me a long time and sorting through lots of “opinions.”
I hope for blessings in your search.
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This makes me so angry. I am a Christian, and while organized religion has shaped and formed my faith and my conscience, it has also caused me a great deal of pain. And though I can say my faith has survived much of this garbage, I get so angry at how behavior such as this from “the church” slanders Christianity. This is not from God.
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Great, heartfelt post. I too am a Catholic Church refugee and have never found any organized religion that did not fall prey to the arrogance of humanity eventually. It’s funny- I came here via Erin and see some blogs I also read, schmutzie, sweetandsaltyKate! Paths crossing, so cool!
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PS- my stomach turned as well- appalling! They have so much to be ashamed of and healing to do!What could their rational possibly be! maintain the downtrodden, social hierarchy? If it was a wealthy person they would be well paid to overlook it I think…
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i don’t think the jewish religion is much better.
example…this is not as extreme but, it’s an example nonetheless…
a family was not allowed to come to temple for the high holy days…to worship…because they had an outstanding balance. so their rights…their PRIVILEGE to practice their religion was revoked…over money.
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I was raised Catholic but from the age of seven I knew that Eve did not come from Adam’s rib and that the Bible was full of stories, fables, and a good creation myth. I did have my sons baptized. The first one was done in the Catholic Church but I wasn’t happy with it. The second one I had baptized at Unity. I was looking for a Rite of Passage and a way to celebrate their births. Later I found other kinds of rituals to take the place of the ones I grew up with.
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Wow. I hadn’t heard about that story. I’m Catholic, and I like being Catholic. I definitely do not agree with some things about the Church. I’m more of a, umm…I dunno, but I’m definitely not an old fashioned Catholic girl. I am sickened by the evil priests who preyed on young children, particularly boys. This is completely unacceptable. I know some priests who are accepting of those who are homosexual. Like you’ve probably heard me talk about before, I feel that it is not my place to judge, that’s God’s place. It’s my job to accept differences and act as God would have me act with love. There are many things I love about the Catholic Church…but I have my disagreements. That story makes me ill. :/
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I just found your blog today. I wholeheartedly agree that this bishop’s decision is unfathomable. I will never understand how the church can banish a woman for protecting her 9 year-old daughter’s life, because no question carrying this pregnancy (of twins!) to term would have threatened her life. My boyfriend’s family is Catholic and I am terrified of the fight we will have if he ever wants to have any child of mine baptized in the church, knowing that the church would do this thing.