Wanting
Written by Kelly on March 23rd, 2009I want things; to lose 10 pounds, to have more babies, to own our own home instead of leasing. I want spring, so I can take my children outdoors to the local park with the sandy beach. I want to feed seagulls at the marina while we watch sailboats forever launching into the blue of the bay that stretches across to the barrier island. I want to buy a beach house, and write novels in an office that catches a salty breeze while my children run barefoot and shirtless along the shoreline, cupping the smooth pink underbellies of shells with their tiny hands.
I am all stretched out with this wanting.
My husband just found out that he has been accepted into a program that will secure him another degree, new credentials, and the potential for a six figure salary. We celebrate in the kitchen with Dixie cup champagne that is really apple cider.
We can buy our own house, fill it with more children. You wouldn’t have to work. You could focus on your writing. We could rent that summer house right on the beach.
His words are pretty promises.
I wonder if all the longing would go away if I was safely ensconced in a high-ranch home with custom hardwood floors? If my uterus could be filled up without my ass spreading, and my tits heading south, would I finally be happy? Will it take a book deal firmly in place before I learn to have belief in myself as a writer?
Maybe you shouldn’t do it. We would have to give up having our summers off together. The children would miss you. I would miss you. Maybe, this program is not for us.
I am gripped by the fear that we are getting this life all wrong. Have we become addicted to wanting? We wanted children and it was hard. We spent five years defining ourselves around the ache of my empty damaged uterus. We found purpose in adoption paperwork before our prepared parenthood. Then, we wanted Bug to have a sibling. We risked bringing our daughter safely into this world. It was this risk that gave us purpose, solidarity in the trials pregnancy forced us to endure.
Kel, all I want is for you and the children to be happy.
The children scamper roughly under our feet, jostling each other across the cheap linoleum of our kitchen floor. They beg for Goldfish with hands outstretched. We fill their pockets to overflowing. They leave the room satisfied.
What are you afraid of?
Bug not behaving in pre-school, the economy not re-bounding in time to save my job, being a sorta-single-stay-at-home-mom all summer long, cellulite, and the silent creep of cancer on my freckled skin, I mentally tick off the list of worries that keep me restless in the night. I know it is not any of these things that tie my tongue, and make it impossible for me to answer.
Bug comes running back into the kitchen, legs pumping, unrestrained.
More Momma More!
I stand speechless with a family-size box of Goldfish in my hands, trying to decide how much I should give him, wondering if enough will ever really be enough.
23
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Congratulations! No matter what you decide, he’s done good.
On a purely practical level, could he not go back to teaching (I’m guessing he is a teacher, too, as you mentioned summer off) if that’s better for him, for the family? If you restrain yourselves from making a lot of financial commitments until you know if you’re comfortable with it?
Here we are, with
our dream housea fixer-upper and a lawn that takes all weekend to tend to, and instead of thinking that we’ll keep the “homestead” in the family so we can enjoy multigenerational gatherings, we’re dreaming of the day the kids leave for college and we can move into a condo!(But part of that is probably the difference in our ages!)
What you’re really asking here? I don’t know. My entire life I have never wanted for anything. I have always had more than I needed materially, and often felt it was more of a burden than a privilege.
23
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It is a fine balance is’nt it? Somedays the lines are clearly drawn when enough is enough and other days I think its harder to define what enough is, as long as I can focus on the fact that I am enough I can hope and pray that everything else will fall into place.
23
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sounds as if we are in similar places…not entirely in the specifics, but in the almostness of it all.
we have big choices to make this year, choices that could bring either of us from underemployed to actually reaching our relative potential as suggested by our education levels, that could move us into a house in a neighbourhood with kids. yet i feel anxious, on this precipice, not only that it won’t work out but that it will. and that we’ll just spend all we earn and…i don’t know. that it won’t be what i hoped for for so long, this dream deferred of “normalcy.”
23
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Congratulations to the hubby… Don’t let your fears tie you down from a future that knows no bounds… You might just get all you’ve been wanting
23
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I think we all want ‘more’ but it’s how content we are with what we already have. Would I like a bigger house… sure, but then I’d have to fill it and clean it… just now when the one I have is getting smaller with less people.
Good luck with whatever you both decide. Put family first and you can’t go wrong.
23
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You’re hitting the nail right on the head here (as usual). It’s not about his job or the kids or the goldfish or the beach house or any of those things (desires that sound so familiar to me). To me, when I write what you have read here, I see Wanting. With a capital W. And struggling with wanting. No, not wanting for things. Just wanting. I get that. And you’re writing about it so clearly.
Not to be too dreary here, but have you ever read a book by Stephen Levine called “Who Dies?” It’s really officially about death and dying stuff, but it’s not really. It’s really more about wanting and life. For many years, it was my bible. I kept it on the nightstand and flipped open to it for some little piece of wisdom (and there always was one).
My favorite piece in the whole book is about wanting. It’s got a buddhist bent. It says that unhappiness or struggle or discomfort, etc. come from the wanting itself, not from the things that you want (which is why having lots of things doesn’t help). He asks you to think of a time, maybe even in childhood, when there was something you really wanted…an object, or a person’s love or attention, or anything–it doesn’t have to be material…and then you got it. And for a few minutes, you were really really happy–relaxed, at peace, blissful, in wonder. And then that passed, and your “real life” picked back up. He pointed out that we tend to think that we feel that bliss because we got what we wanted, whatever it was. But he posits that that’s not it at all. He writes that that wonderful peaceful happy feeling doesn’t come from getting what we wanted, but comes from the fact that for a few minutes, we don’t want anything.
It’s so simple, but it struck me nonetheless, and I’ll never forget it.. Don’t know if that helped at all, or if I’m just blathering (which is entirely possible–I do that), but thought I’d offer it to you.
Great writing, as ever. Keep it up.
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I’ve always believed that craving and wanting does cause a degree of suffering. Acceptance is a much more peaceful way to live. It doesn’t eliminate wanting entirely.. but does keep it in balance.
~*
23
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huh, i’m caught here seeing you smarter than maybe even you realize. this is brilliant. you are brilliant. he and they. leave the fear and put your hands out, fill your pockets. You are on your way!
23
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It’s so hard to still the wants. I try to teach my children the difference between want and need. Not to eliminate the wants but to quiet them. Now if I could only teach myself the same!
You are brilliant. Never stop writing.
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“I stand speechless with a family-size box of Goldfish in my hands, trying to decide how much I should give him, wondering if enough will ever really be enough.”
You so nailed it.
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Good post, Kelly. making me think. How wants change with the years and circumstance. but still the want of something always replaces a want discarded. I wonder if we ever can be full. Or if those that say they are, really are. ~Rick
23
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I love the line about feeling stretched out from wanting. I think wanting can be healthy – it makes you concentrate on what’s important, what’s the excess. Is that what you meant from your first title? I read this originally hours ago and have been thinking all afternoon and evening about excess. I don’t think it comes from too much wanting; I think it comes from not ever feeling the “want” enough to value what comes our way. Congrats on the opportunities and new vistas.
23
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does it sound pithy if i say you do not know until you try?
is it so very wrong to want more?
As I stand poised on the crumbling dock of Far Less. Long Story tell ya later…
…I say take the chance. And i will visit you in that home on the beach and let teh sand run thru my toes while you do some writing.
23
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I have been quoting this (to myself) for so long that I can’t remember where I first heard it:
Happiness lies not in getting what you want, but in wanting what you have.
Speaking for the kids, I’ll bet they would rather have Daddy at home all summer than any material thing.
Life is so hard to figure out, isn’t it? (Let me know when you have done it–I need some clues myself.)
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Your honesty is what wraps circles around me, what I appreciate, and value.
Your soul knows the answers, deep down. I’ve read what you write. You are brilliant and have the grace within you.. just let your heart lead.
namaste.
23
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this made me cry, in earnest.
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But isn’t wanting a good drive? Isn’t it what makes us go out into the world to a new day? I think what’s freezing you is balancing the wanting with what’s best for your family as a whole.
I’ll tell you what’s best for me, though: become a writer and give me books to read:)!
24
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Congratulations.
I am amazed at the beauty of your words. This post touched my heart with its ache and honesty.
24
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You have perfectly expressed the push and pull and tugs of life that I think we can all relate to. There is a period of life when we make the choices that we will live with later. I’m in the “living with” stage now with my sons full grown. It all worked out but not perfectly. I think there are pros and cons to all the choices.
Just as long as your husband keeps gardening and doesn’t lose touch with that grounding. You are thoughtful, senistive, paying attention and that will be in your favor.
I wanted that beach house retreat for writing too. Once I rented a cabin in the woods for a writer’s retreat. Got a good poem out of it (that was read on Pacifica radio last year). Seems my own house and the paradise of my yard has become my writer’s retreat, as I get many days alone at home to write now. I wish it paid more but at least I’m not doing it for free like I used to.
24
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“I am all stretched out with this wanting.” What a wonderful way you have with words! I felt that way so much when I was younger. It seemed like nothing would ever be enough. Funny, but my study of Buddhism is what calmed that longing. I learned how much of our own suffering is caused by attachment and craving. I’m not saying that’s right for everyone, but there’s so much truth and logic in it.
Peace – D
24
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Wow. Great piece. You’ve got it, don’t doubt it.
In fact, the kids have it. Follow their lead.
All life is a goldfish. A salty, crackery, cheesy goldfish.
It is there to be enjoyed. Each one by one, in the minute that it’s there.
Right now with the children and the rented house, and the Spring, a wish that is already granted. Right now. Crunch and savor it all up.
Worry about the next goldfish later. Enjoy the one you’ve got.
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I have enough right now. I’m grateful for what I do have. Life is what I make it. It sounds as if yours is filled with great things. Enjoy each and every one.
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More can be too much, or not enough- mostly mind set. Make him work for those Goldfish :-0.
I think I can see the storm that crossed your face…..
~Mary
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Money won’t necessarily bring you more babies. Or make you ten pounds lighter. Or make you a better writer.
But it will pay for a sitter for all those kids, a trainer for your ass and tits, and could possibly buy you a membership at some club where you may meet the “right” people to connect you with the “right” publisher.
Money works like that.
There are so many people in this world just praying to God for a little bit of the bounty.
You could always give it to them if you felt it wasn’t working out.
24
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the list of my wanting varies in length depending on my mood. right now – feeling a bit of the pity, so my list is looooooooooooooooooong…I think wanting is part of being human. If I never wanted anything, I would be supernatural. Just a guess…or maybe a side-ways justification?
Peace.
24
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Absolutely beautiful, and completely heartbreaking at the same time.
What an amazing post. Thank you for writing it.
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I have a little plaque in my living room that says, Happiness is wanting what you have. And when I figure out how to do that, I’ll let you know.
25
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It’s better to fear dreams yet realized than regret dreams unfulfilled .
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You are a brilliant writer! Brilliant!
If your husband does not take the program, you will be left wondering: What if he had taken it…
Every path forks off and we have to make the decision we think best. Sometimes though we have to take risks in order to find a new and shining path.
25
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First congratulations on making the Post of the Day list…then, you sound like any woman in the world who wants more for her family than for herself. I dub you Human…don’t worry…it’ll come to you in it’s time!
Sandi
25
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“Happiness does not come from having much, but from being attached to little.” ~Cheng Yen
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You are a very talented writer. I am dazed and touched by the beauty of your words. This post has moved my soul with its depth, its melancholy, it’s openness. Thank you for writing it and sharing yourself with us.
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Beautiful picture of the universal struggle. I’m so glad that David’s POTD pointed me over here. I’m going back to re-read.
(Looking forward to your novel!)
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Whatever decision you are going to make, don’t fret about the what-ifs.
Be grateful for what you have already and enjoy it, living in the moment and be confident about tomorrow.
Congratulations on winning David’s Authorblog POD Award!
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Bask in the celebration and be careful what you want for, you just may get it.
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Hi, I’m over from David’s blog. Congrats on the POTD award! Your writing is beautiful.
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Only natural to want anything. If you have a lot, you usually want more. If you have little, you make do.
Congratulations for the potential new life ahead.
CJ xx
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Hi, I’m here from David’s blog…this is a beautiful blog with heart-warming authenticity…poetry in motion…Congrats!
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Thank you for returning my visit! I am so very honored! The poem you recited to your child is beautiful! I will treasure it!
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Wanting is hard. We all want so many things that it is hard to be happy with what we have. As long as your family is happy and healthy and you are moving in a direction that will keep you so, then I think it is okay to want.
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I’ve learned a few things …
• The more you make, the more you spend and not necessarily the more you save.
• The greatest things in life are the ones when he asks for Goldfish; you give them to him and he smiles. He tells you he loves you. Your heart is satiated.
• Wanting is biological. Because we are women and because we are aware of how privileged we are, we feel guilty. You are struggling with guilt more than want.
• Wanting material things is fleeting; wanting a lifestyle or living your dream is something entirely different. Material items don’t define you – your dreams do; your experiences do.
Finally to over-quote John Lennon, “life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” That’s my mantra every day. Every day is another chance to get it right, to fuck it up, to live. Every day is filled with moments where we’ll make the best decisions we can with the knowledge we have.
Go with your gut. Instinct often trumps logic and emotion.
PS: You are a writer by its definition and don’t need more than a writing implement and a scrap of paper to absorb your words. When you have an idea, you’ll find – beg, borrow or steal a pen and any scrap of paper to get it down. A beach house is just fancy wrapping for your gift.
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I found you through David’s blog and his award for best post. I know where you are coming from and I do understand. I had been told I likely would never get pregnant and even if I did it was extremely unlikely that I could carry one full term. I thumbed my nose at the doctors and when I finally did marry, I had four healthy children that I carried full term. I have written 8 novels, it was my escape from things I felt I had no control over. I’ve published a few things, no books, because I was afraid to try to find a publisher, for fear of being laughed at. I do, however, have one posted on one my other blog. And, yes, it is an over-quote of John Lennon’s, but it is so true, “life does indeed happen when you’re busy making other plans”. It’s my mantra too and believe me I’m a lot older than you. We all fuck up from time to time and it’s okay because there’s always that other chance to get it right. Galina has said it all far better than I can, but I can echo it.
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Be happy with and embrace your family every single day.
It never will be enough. Don’t be afraid The Lord will guide you always.
I love your words…you write and touch souls.
Regards.
Mary E
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You beautifully put into words what goes through everyone’s mind, at least occasionally–sometimes all the time. Excellent writing! (You don’t need the book deal to confirm that.) Over from Authorblog! This was great selection by him!
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I wish you could read your writing through my eyes. You are a writer, a very talented writer. And I’m praying that you realize it. Congrats to your husband on this opportunity, I’m sure that together you will make the best decision for your family
::hugs::
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But what is the alternative to not stretching ourselves out and wanting more? Contentment, I suppose, but what if the world needs more from us? More, momma, more. Be brave.
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Having some new options to consider while knowing that what you have would be more than just fine even if you didn’t go for it is a great place to be. This is the stuff of a good life, decisions such as this. No matter what, I hope you write. Here, there, online, in books, wherever. Yours is a gift to be shared.
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I, too, have to shut off the wanting… Odd how it creeps up right in the midst of having, isn’t it.