I Have No Armor Against Your Pain
Written by Kelly on September 15th, 2009I once knew a boy who was swallowed by the sky, just rose like a swollen balloon into the clouds, trailing his string like the tiniest of tears down the soft slope of cheek. Going….going….gone….
Momma. I wish I had a machine that could make me disappear.
Why do you want to disappear, buddy?
Because then no one would see how scared I am.
Bug, my first born. Today was hard. There you stood, the shape of you so small and weightless, floating on the ceiling of that big hall. Your fear was the size of the sky. I wanted nothing but to tie your string to the pulsing of my heart and take you with me, take you home.
We are all afraid sometimes, my love.
Even you, Momma? Even you get afraid?
I once knew a woman who dove to the bottom of the sea, dove until her lungs filled to bursting, fought the pointed sharp of a shark’s tooth, fought off the clutch of an Octopus’s tentacle, to recover the hull of a downed ship, that thing that she most treasured.
Yes, baby. Even me. Sometimes Momma is the most fearful of all.
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Sometimes the most fearful of all… yes, yes, yes.
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o.
i remember those days well.
too well.
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Kelly, your words….your imagery…
they get into my heart every time.
you’re so gifted.
and that, too, makes you a strong, beautiful Momma.
xoxo
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My God. How eloquent and beautiful!
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I’ve had some friends send me their fears in a bag. I carry part of them. It works, a bit. ~Mary
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Lovely writing and me too.
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I hope that he will recognize one day that the fears don’t have to be real unless we let them be.
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You are so gifted a writer. Your imagery so strong – so telling. And yes … me, too.
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Dear Kelly, what a heart felt blog you have. My soul’s reaching to you when I read your words. Thank you.
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Thank you for sharing this story with us…good luck to both you and Bug as he begins this journey. I never quite know what to say, a jumble of words like exquisite and eloquent, masterful and impressive always come to mind when I read your posts.
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Our little man. What can I say that you haven’t already so eliquently? This is part of the journey, part of his journey, not an easy stretch of road, but an important one. He will travel it, make it to the other side safe and sound as long as he has our love to guide him.
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AMAZING!
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I need to tell you about J and preschool.
“I wanted nothing but to tie your string to the pulsing of my heart and take you with me, take you home.”
Yes. Yes. Yes. And no one can tell me anything different.
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Visiting from another blog where you left a breathtaking comment . . . and I think I’ll stick around.
Never stop . . .
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Powerful piece of writing, Momma.
I see your writer’s block is gone.
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Ya got me there!
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This is beautiful and sad and makes me want to know more. Write more, please.
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Oh, Kelly, I hope the second day went better. It’s so hard to feel so helpless when our children suffer. Your love is not an armor, but will support him now, and later.
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This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday –
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/09/five-star-fridays-edition-71.html
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Kelly, this was just beautiful.
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That was beautiful.
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I am finding that the most beautiful moments of my mothering has been when I exposed little cracks to my children here and there, allowing myself to be human to them.