Silence is a Weapon Women Use Against Themselves
Written by Kelly on January 4th, 2010Last night, I read a post from a well-known male blogger* that made me confused. He wrote about being in high school, having a crush on a girl, being denied her affection. As I first read, I could relate. Who hasn’t wanted someone or some thing so badly they experienced anger when denied? I have. What happens, however, when anger spills over into action?
This particular blogger wrote about thrusting his hand between a young girl’s legs when he and she were both in high school. A girl he described as wearing a silk blouse and no bra. A girl that he desired. A girl that did not want him. While pushing himself unprovoked and uninvited between her most private space, he demanded, “Is this what you wanted?” The story ends with the girl in tears in the backseat of a car, and the blogger admitting his own actions were scary.
I wrote a private e-mail to this blogger and asked him why he shared the piece online. I wanted to know what his motivation was for publishing it. He replied by telling me he wrote the piece because it was true. This made me furious. Does truth automatically make something acceptable? If we write our dirty, hateful, secrets are we immediately made brave just by the telling? What sort of community are we if we heap an author with praise just because he or she sits down and writes about his or her own repulsive act? What sort of society are we when another blogger comments that the young scared girl in that car was not even a victim?
My head spun. I tasted bile in my mouth. I physically shook. I needed to step away, from that blogger, from Twitter, from my own head. I went to sleep. Upon waking up this morning, I realized something. I thought my anger came from wishing this blogger had written the piece with more remorse. Not true. It was not really about that blogger. What I really want is retribution for all women. I want every single man who has ever hurt a woman in a sexual way to spontaneously burst into flames right….about….NOW!
Am I angry? You bet I am. I think the question is why isn’t every person angry that violence still happens in small ways like the backseat of that car? What good is sorry, really? If the two men that took advantage of me, while I stumbled like a sloppy drunk in the snow, apologized for the bloody raw ache they left inside of me, would it make it better. Fuck! No!
This post is not about re-hashing my old wounds or stories. I’ve claimed my own status as a survivor. I do not need to go backwards even when there are posts and people that trigger the memories that propel me down the rabbit hole of my own history. I just need to make sense of why this particular post from this particular blogger had me so enraged. There has to be more than just the telling, his and mine. Simply writing it down is not enough. What do we learn from it?
Some of you who’ve been reading me for awhile might remember a story I told you about when I was younger. There was this cocky kid named Tommy who corned me on a deserted stairwell. He thrust his fingers uninvited and unwanted up my skirt. I was this shy, awkward, girl who had never been looked at much less touched by a boy. It was not what I wanted. It made me scared and confused. What I left out, when I previously told the story, was that three days after the stairwell incident happened Tommy asked me out. I said yes. Yes? It felt strange and scary but good to be wanted, even when the wanting part was done all wrong. Just writing those words brings back all the confusion I felt when holding the phone to my ear and saying yes to dating a boy who previously violated me. I never told Tommy that what he did that day on the stairs felt dirty, frightening, and wrong. I never spoke up when he broke up with me and spread untrue rumors about my body to the entire class. I never said a word. Silence is a weapon young girls and women are taught to use against themselves.
When I first read the post of that popular male bloggers, I felt the same type of conflict that I felt as the scared confused girl I once was. This post was written by a blogger I knew and generally liked. Someone I saw as gentle, dorky, kind. I never would have imagined that story being attached to his history. After reading the post, I could not help but question every thing I knew about him, start to read deeper and more sinisterly into what I thought were previously funny and harmless tweets. It made me wonder how much I could really trust any online “friendship.”
Knowing the blog world like I do, I knew the commendations for his “bravery” were coming. This is where the real tension was for me. I started to doubt myself. Who was I to be angry? Who was I to speak out in dissent? In fact, I wrote a tame first comment on the post where I danced around the issue of my own discomfort. That is what “good” girls are trained to do. Aren’t we? We don’t rock the damn proverbial boat. We never speak out. We maintain the shame in silence.
I think when women are silent we all become the metaphor of that girl in the backseat of the car with some angry guy trying to shove his fist between our thighs. I’m not going to let that happen to me. I can not worry that what I feel is not the acceptable response of the community at large. I can not worry about my own alienation. I will not be 12 years old again, crying in my childhood bedroom.
I think what that male blogger did to that girl was disgusting and wrong. I think some of his tweets are inappropriate. I hope that people read his post and they are shocked and disgusted too. I thought about linking him, but I do not want my writing to be about calling someone out. Even though, that is what I am essentially doing. This really is more about me trying to deal with the complexity of my own emotions.
I hope his post is read. I hope people actually discuss, disagree, determine their own feelings outside of the context of the group. We can learn from this, from anything, if we are willing to go further than just to write disclosure off as some brave act. I do not think there is anything brave about what this blogger did in writing his past down, even though I too found myself using the word “brave” in his comment section. In fact, I think writing this post was an inherently selfish act because the blogger is the perpetrator and not the victim. What is he really looking for? Absolution or traffic? The answer makes a difference to me. Even if it is absolution, it won’t be found so easily here.
I have learned that women do not always need to be so forgiving. I was at 12, and even at 19, forgiving others and hating myself when waking up bruised and missing my underwear. I will never again let my own silence make me that complicit.
*edited to add the link of the blogger. Go here to read his story. Although, since my post has come out, his initial post has changed. He has “toned” down his story. It was originally written about her not having a bra and him putting his hand between her thighs, not just resting on it. I wonder why a person would edit a post that they wrote because it was “true” then quietly change it when people took issue with it. Interesting.
*New Edit*
I asked Neil why he edited the story after the comments and my post came out. He wrote this, “I edited it because it was too intense and I wasn’t getting the reaction I wanted. I am not a journalist. I am a writer.”
*Final Edit*
Neil changed the original blog post back. He also shared this post. I think it is only fair of me to post it. I also hope we continue to have conversations as a community about all the issues that came about because of all these posts and tweets.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
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His post made me disguisted and furious, but I did admire him speaking out about something so ugly. Admitting to the awful thing he did.
Which doesn’t make the thing he did okay, not by a long shot, but I think writing about it – putting himself out there like that – it either took balls or a monumental amount of ignorance.
What I don’t like is people saying that what he did is okay , because it is not, and because absolution on this is only that woman’s to give.
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Nina,
Thank you for commenting. I was actually surprised by how many people were “okay” with it. I wonder if they would have felt the same if it had been there daughter. Or, if they didn’t know and like him prior to this post. If some random guy no one knew wrote this, it would have been a lynching. But blog popularity goes a long way. It makes my stomach turn.
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I understand how a story like this would be a trigger for plenty of people… I think Neil knew he’d face negative reactions, but I don’t know that he entirely understood how viscerally some people would respond because of personal histories. A few thoughts…
“Does truth automatically make something acceptable? If we write our dirty, hateful, secrets are we immediately made brave just by the telling?”
I think both at Neil’s and at Maggie’s, we’ve already agreed that the word ‘brave’ isn’t the right one. That’s the unthinking pat on the back that everybody gets on the internet when they expose a personal story that might be seen as shameful, embarrassing or painful. Remember at our BlogHer session when someone called me “so courageous” just for writing about Liam? That made me bristle. It’s just not true. It’s not remotely the right word. But people use it because they want to somehow communicate what Maggie did, more eloquently – just that their story is received, heard, nodded at.
“I want every single man who has ever hurt a woman in a sexual way to spontaneously burst into flames….”
There’s a vast spectrum of victimhood and abuse. The rape that you experienced is on one end of the spectrum. Neil’s actions are somewhere in the middle. Hurtful, haunting, beyond inappropriate. But not as severe. And then there’s all those little things Maggie mentioned… the pressure, the atmosphere that marginalizes girls and emboldens boys.
My point is that if you wanted every single man who’s ever committed a sexual sin to burst into flames, every single man in existence would burst into flames. And that’s not to demonize men. From indiscretions to bad decisions and judgement to outright aggression, every single human being is guilty.
“What good is sorry, really? If the two men that took advantage of me, while I stumbled like a sloppy drunk in the snow, apologized for the bloody raw ache they left inside of me, would it make it better. Fuck! No!”
With the caveat that this is an entirely different crime than what adolescent Neil committed, sorry *is* something. Sorry doesn’t change what is already done. But genuine atonement is a powerful thing. I could be angry every time someone apologizes for the death of my son. I could let cynicism make me tell them to fuck right off, to bring him back. But all “I’m sorry” stands for is one human being empathizing with another. Without it, we are animals.
“After reading the post, I could not help but question every thing I knew about him, start to read deeper and more sinisterly into what I thought were previously funny and harmless tweets. It made me wonder how much I could really trust any online ‘friendship.’”
Kelly, sweet, this isn’t fair. This is sad. This is so sad. Would you want people to take what you’ve shared online and have them call your whole being into question? Would you want people to draw a straight line between your own erotic writing and your history? My god. That would be phenomenally wrong to do. Even just suggesting that for the point of illustration makes me shudder.
But it’s the same thing in that you’re extending one episode of someone’s life – one moment – and using it to make a sweeping condemnation, to call that entire person into question. I don’t think that’s fair. We are all so deeply flawed.
“I thought about linking him, but I do not want my writing to be about calling someone out.”
I think it’s only fair to let people go and read it for themselves. He’ll find this, and I’ll leave it up to him to point people to it (I think he should, although I have no doubt that most people know who and where Neil is).
“In fact, I think writing this post was an inherently selfish act because the blogger is the perpetrator and not the victim. What is he really looking for? Absolution or traffic?”
Ouch. I don’t think that’s fair, either. Did I write about Liam for traffic? You might think it’s not the same thing but it is. The possibility that people think that I trot out my pain for hits (or in his case, his regret) is abhorrent.
Did you write this response post for traffic? Did Maggie? Did you think you might have something to gain in terms of blog popularity by sharing the story of your own assault?
See? Ouch. That’s why I just can’t abide the thought of it. Instant problems with all it implies. A mistrust of one person’s motives can only, fairly, extend to everyone.
I don’t think we should ever shame people into being quiet. Not you. Not him. He wrote from a genuinely regretful place. He was not crowing or making light of it. He reflected on how it’s changed him and haunted him. I don’t minimize how much of a trigger a story like his can be. But the discussion and reflection it generates is important. For men and for women.
To seek absolution, and to declare the learning of important lessons, well… fuck. There’s almost nothing more worthwhile. I’m inclined to grant people patience and listening whenever I can. Because if I don’t, I condemn myself.
I’m so sorry that Neil’s post was such a trigger. Not surprised, but sorry. And by ’sorry’ I’m just saying that I get it. I understand. But a few things that your anger dredged up struck a nerve for me, and I’ll say them here with the same affection and gentleness that I would in person. Adore you. xo
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i agree 100% with you, i am disgusted that he would write this post in the first place (imagine the victim stumbling upon it and reading it) and i’m also annoyed by all of the “bravery” comments. what he did is NOT OK and one is not brave mearly by recounting an event in the past. i feel like most of the comments trivilized his actions. i have known far too many women who have been molested, raped, harassed for me to take stories like his lightly. thank you for posting this.
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It’s not all men, Kelly, even though I think all men are subject to those ‘baser instincts’. It’s what you do with those instincts that differentiates you from your fellow man. I raised my sons to respect women. As I was raised. They protect women. They do not abuse. I know in the ‘politically correct’ society the notion that women might need protection goes against the hue and cry of the ‘feminists’. But that’s the way I raised my boys. As I was raised.
It hurts no one to be a gentleman. It hurts no one to be a gentle man. It hurts no one to know and remember that “Real Men Don’t Rape.”
But then, I’m old fashioned. But that’s the way I was raised.
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I remember in the Sun magazine a prisoner wrote about how, one day with the help of a therapist, he wrote down every horror he inflicted on others, along with every horror inflicted on him. He thought it would show him as unlovable, that he’d be sentenced to the death penalty. What it was was his first step.
Don’t get me wrong, I actually hate the self-serving sentimental appreciation in the blogging community. Often things are written in a way with hooks out saying “appreciate what I’m doing now!”, “forgive me!” or “I’m proving I’ve changed!”. What I like most is writing that does its best to say things like it is, without any agenda. Then you can see more about the readers, because their reaction says something about them.
And for the record, it’s not only women who say silent. I have a history too. I used to say “oh, what I feel about my mother is way beyond love – it’s more like the Stockholm syndrome.” I stayed silent until I had convinced myself what she was telling me about it (and what did and didn’t happen) was true.
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I understand how you feel, but I need to point out to you your very title to this post. Silence is violence. It is only through TELLING our stories that we can heal. Heal not just ourselves, but our society, too.
And the truth is, we are all complicit in our society’s abuse of women. Women, Men. Victims, Perpetrators, and all of us who fall on the spectrum inbetween.
The truth is, it IS brave to admit to doing something awful. To being something violent. Just as it is brave to speak up about our own abuse and our own shame.
Does it absolve him? No. It’s just one step, but it’s a step that many people never take. And it opens up the conversation so that we may have this discussion and talk about what it means when good people do bad things. When sons and brothers and friends express our society’s negative attitude towards women.
I have a son. I have spent years and years dealing with women’s issues, attitudes about sex and our bodies, the media, men, fear, power, power, expression, repression. I dove into that wreck.
But I was afraid to have a son because I did not know what it meant to raise a boy.
Now I have a son and I want to be as open about the violence our society does to boys, the violence of creating them to be violent, to see women as sexual objects, to be afraid of their own emotions.
I didn’t read this guy’s post, so I can only go on what you have written.
But I think we, all of us, need to speak up about this stuff. You can’t only talk about the victims without addressing how one gets to be an abuser. Abusers are created. Can we stop that? I don’t know, but we can’t stop it by ignoring it.
It’s two sides of the same coin, to me.
Silence does not serve. Anyone.
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Kate: I think we have to just agree to disagree. I do not think people would be so “kind” towards Neil if he was a stranger, if this post had been written by the female. I think people would clearly see Neil as a perpetrator had this been something on say Maggie’s site written by the girl discussing how it scared her. But, Neil is a “loved online personality” so he gets more of a free pass. No, it wasn’t rape, but it was sexual assault fueled by anger, and a need to dominate, which rape is also about. As for judging him, I’ve always thought the whole tweeting about women’s bodies and needing to screw them, and being angry at them, was schtick…but that post makes all those tweets creepy to me. As for people judging me by my post, go ahead. I am what I write. I am as flawed, and confused, and messy, and angry, and joyous, and good as all the things I have ever written. But, I have never abused another person’s body in a sexual way. Only my own. And, I’m tired of it being okay. I’m just sick and tired of it being accepted or written off as not that big a deal. It is a big deal. And every time we accept it even in the slightest, we marginalize every woman, every person who has ever been a victim in ways both small and large. Sorry does not make it better. Sorry does not change or take away the pain a woman feels after she has been used or hurt or touched. No, I stand firm on this one. As for wanting people to read me, I could care less about this stupid blogging community that pats a guy on the back who shoves a fucking fist between a woman’s legs. I’m done with that. Read me or don’t. I don’t care. I am writing this for me, and for any woman that read that post and immediately felt sad and sick with the knowledge that they have been there and wished the world would just wake up and get how wrong it is.
Matthew: I wish you did not have to carry the history of pain you have. You are not alone. If that helps at all.
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Rowena- I get what you are saying. I don’t think I’m angry that he wrote it. I guess I’m wondering why he wrote it. Was he really contrite, or did it just make for good blog fodder. I’m more pissed off at the reaction, how women just say, “oh it wasn’t so bad. It makes for great discussion. Well, all guys are pigs.” Or worse, wow…you are so damn brave for writing it. Where is the outrage? There should be some outrage? That poor girl.
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Kelly – I hear you. Just wanted to say, though – nobody said it was okay. It was wrong. I didn’t see that in any of the comments. Everyone said it was a repulsive thing to do. There’s no excuse for it. Hell, he said all that himself.
He writes: “This was one of the meanest thing I ever did, and it affected my relationships with women for years. This incident truly scared me, not only because of what I did to her, an innocent victim, but because I lost control…”
Your followup comment to Rowena feels pointed at me, which is fine. So I’ll clarify. Nobody is saying that what Neil did is no big deal. It is. I never said “it wasn’t so bad” in some kind of flip way. I said that him accosting her like that, humiliating her, was not the same thing as two men raping a drunk woman on the hood of a car. I said that because its the truth. To not acknowledge the spectrum of abuse and victimhood – it’s not logical. It’s knee-jerk, and it’s unfair both to perpetrators and to victims.
I also didn’t just say “it makes for great discussion” like I’m looking for entertainment this morning. It’s important that we try to connect to one another. It’s important to own our wrongs, to reflect on them, to apologize – and to hear one another’s apologies. Otherwise, nothing ever changes.
I did not say “all men are pigs”. If you don’t acknowledge a spectrum of sexual violence, then you effectively call just about every man in existence an abuser. All of us are human beings. I’ve made heinous mistakes in judgement. I’ve given myself away under duress. I’ve known upstanding and sweet men who have made similarly heinous mistakes. I’ve been victimized by the power position of another. Likewise, I’ve used my own power position to my advantage. Everyone has. If you choose to believe that every moment defines us forever, and that this is unchangeable, then we are all evil and condemnable and beyond help.
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Just one more thing, a P.S.
This is getting at a personal experience for you. And in my comments here I’m speaking in theoretical terms in a way that might feel hurtful. I’m sorry about that, kelly. I’m not sure why I engaged today. You just needed to vent. This is your history – and I can’t stand that I’d make you feel defensive or more upset.
So gently, and with all the respect in the world, I’ll quietly go and make some tea now and try and remember that in the future.
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kate: The whole point for me is that i said yes to dating a guy who did what neil did because i did not think i had a right to say what he did was so wrong. I think a good deal of womanhood is about teaching women to play nice. I have a right to be angry and judge and write about the way it makes me feel. I have a right to think what he did was wrong and connect it to my own history and to the way i view society. Just like you or anyone has a right to disagree with me. Enjoy your tea.
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Kelly,
I’m a longtime lurker on your blog, but your topic today (along with a New Years resolutiuon to be more outspoken) has compelled me to speak up.
I don’t normally follow the blog you mention in your post (nor do I have intentions to now), so I’m neutral towards the author. But after I read it my first thought was WHY? What was the purpose of telling that story? Some sort of catharsis. Then why didn’t he say as much? Or was it an obscene way of amping up his site hits? And the whole tale ended so aruptly.
The 2nd thing I noticed was that he never says he’s sorry.
The line that bothers me the most is where he say’s Until that moment, I had never felt such intense emotions, harsh and powerful feelings of jealousy and lust. I’ve felt jealousy before, numerous times, even under similar circumstances as Neil (a girl I have a crush on who flirts with friends), but never has lust been part of the equation.
Props for honesty was the farthest thing from my mind when I finished reading.
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“Silence is a weapon young girls and women use against themselves.”
I am writing that on something and hanging it on my daughter’s wall. Seriously, thank you for that. Thank you a million times over.
The same thing happened to me in 4th grade. He threw me down and pinned me to the floor with his body while the teacher was out making photocopies. On my way home, he called me a whore. I had to ask my mother what a whore was and why someone would call me that.
My trust in my classroom, my school and my mother were crushed that day. I will never forget suffocating under his 9 year old sweat. I will never forget that violation.
And I never said a word to anyone about it. I’ve never once mentioned it before right now, truth be told.
I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I wanted to thank you for that sentence, that’s all.
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Whew.
The comments on this post are incredible. I can tell that this discussion is something that will continue to change shape inside me.
So, knowing that it has and continues to change for me, what I’m feeling right this very second is astonishment. Astonishment that I don’t believe Neil had any idea what a trigger his post would be for many. He spoke his truth, he focused on his microcosm in time, and I honestly don’t believe he had any idea what it would mean to so many.
And that’s something I have to think for a while about.
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First, Thank you for your voice! And Kate and Maggie. Thank you. Thank you.
I stepped away from blog-reading and television and news outlets, etc… a few months ago because of this very thing. I was having such a difficult time qualifying some of the posts/ways girls and women are thought of or valued. It’s hard for me to reconcile the way I feel about myself, my sister, my daughters with the way that the world at large seems to think of us, write about us, use our form.
I’ve never read Neil’s blog before today. I’ve never heard of him.
So, my entire planetary view of him comes from one post. A post in which he describes sexually assaulting a girl. I left my comment there. As a woman, a mother, an abuse survivor, I was disgusted. Absolutely. But so glad we’re having the conversation. I don’t know what his intentions were for writing that post. And maybe it doesn’t matter. We need to have this conversation. We need to have a dialogue with ouselves, our sons and daughters and our sisters and boyfriends about self worth and the definition of beauty and rights to one’s own body and voice… We need to have this conversation so that we shatter the petri dish sexual assault is allowed to breed in (secrecy, shame, ignorance).
I say all of this not knowing Neil. I’ll spend some time exploring his site now with the hopes that it will renew my hope in the human experience that as Sarah (Slouchy) said, “One incident from a person’s life doesn’t make (or break) that person. It’s in the totality of the small moments.”
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I’ve never been a victim of sexual assault, but people very close to me have. And I remember at one point, while trying to cope with one such incident, that Jon Benet Ramsey on the cover of a magazine would make me sick to my stomach and weak in the knees. And then, over time, my outrage receded as I healed. And I always wondered: what’s more real? The outrage or the casual acceptance? What’s more true? And I’m wondering that now, about this story, this man’s version. In some ways it reads clumsy and awkward, like a beginning, like a first step. He opened a door that I’ve never seen behind: how does it feel for the man? For the perpetrator? I find myself wanting to know more about that. Silence IS a weapon used against women, by both women and men. But isn’t it also, perhaps, used against men? When we speak in muttered jokes and innuendo, do men, too, lose the words to describe what leads them down roads twisted and ugly? Can more conversation light the path so our sons can gather the knowledge to confidently forge the path home, safe in their choices, protectors rather than predators?
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After reading your post, his post, and all the comments I’m not quite sure what to say. I’m glad you are breaking the silence one blog at a time and I send you a hug.
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Women don’t speak up enough. We are not taught to have healthy, intact boundaries with regards to our bodies. I’ve let people, men, do things to me because I was too polite to say no. I don’t want my daughter doing the same. I want her to yell, don’t touch my body, it’s mine and I get to decide who touches me. We get to decide who does and doesn’t touch us. It is our right as a human being.
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This is an oh so complicated post and issue and yet very simple. Of course sexual assault is wrong, this is not just a womens issue, we are part of a species that uses shame as a weapon.Blogging can be about personal sharing, not always pretty stuff about us or others. I reckon to say that there is a spectrum of traumas that a post might trigger, no one greater or less than the other. One of the things I admire about you Kelly, that you admire about yourself, is that it is messy, complex and sometimes nasty. I’ve had many of the same experiences and ,yes, part of the issue is womens difficulty feeling empowered but the other side of the coin is lack of communication and secrets. I don’t believe in secrets and I think that means that if someone shares something, something from their dark side, that we try not to push them back into the closet. Hugs Kelly…
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A trip here is never easy, and never, well, ordinary.
“Brave” is not the word for his decision to write about it, nor is “courageous”. I’m not sure what the word is, though. It took something to admit to such a heinous act.
What he did is obviously never okay. As your tag says, non consensual touching is assault. “Sorry”, as my son sometimes says, “doesn’t cut the mustard”. He can’t ever make it right, make her whole, make the act unhappen.
But the thing I keep thinking about is, he was a kid. That doesn’t make it ok. If you’re going to play adult games, you have to play by adult rules. But he did something awful, something horrible and hateful and wrong, when he was a kid. He knows it was wrong. He probably knew it was wrong then, but he certainly knows its wrong now. He says it informed his future conduct, and he never did it again.
The question that comes to me is, how long does he have to pay for it?
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Regret is a powerful emotion.
I believe we all do things we later regret. If the emotion is powerful enough… we change our behaviors.
Hurting a person, especially sexually, is a horrible thing to do. But there is a continuum. Some behaviors are more vile than others, and some seem simply to be mistakes made by a child who has yet to learn to control their emotions and impulses. Having not been there it’s difficult to judge where Neil fell along that continuum.
I suppose that every person has their own threshold for right and wrong. It makes judgment, for me, very difficult.
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Kelly,
Been reading your blog for a while and have never commented. But just wanted to say this is a really powerful post that resonated w/ me deeply, and brought tears to my eyes and rage to my throat. I’m appalled by some of the comments here that appear to be excusing or downplaying the male blogger’s actions (and I haven’t read the comments on his site, for the sake of my own sanity). For example, I really hate the “spectrum” idea; it’s a way to revictimize women if we’re not “good enough” victims.
Anyway. Thank you. Keep speaking truth to power.
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amber: i agree. I think the “spectrum” idea is a total slap in the face to victims. It is like saying, “sorry. You were not raped or hurt enough for us to feel bad for you. So, just suck it up.” i think some of the comments here are just proof of what i am saying. Blogging persona stretches, and women are still facing an upward battle to be valued in this society. Even by other women.
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Your writing is good but damaged. He wrote about the piece because he felt guilty. All he did was touch her; he didn’t rape her and he felt terrible remorse about it for years afterward.
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Susie: How interesting that you would use the word damaged to describe my writing and my feelings. WOW, “All he did was touch her.” I’ll remember to tell that to my daughter if a man ever puts a hand on her and says with lust and rage,” Is this what you want.” Actually, I’ll just tell her-Hey, at least you weren’t raped.” You bring women down with your thinking Susie. It makes me sad for you and for all of us. The thing is, I’ve been Inappropriately touched AND I’ve been raped. They both produce the same type of shame, pain, and sadness. Abuse is abuse. ANd, I’m sure if it was your vagina or the vagina of someone you loved, you would get that. I just plan on spending the rest of my life speaking out to make sure that when it does happen women know that it is not okay. And, there are actual people who get it and will support them hands down. Shame you are not one of them.
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um. I hadn’t read Neil’s piece and so went to read it after reading your post.
Everyone has a right to their opinion and here’s mine. I don’t anticipate that it’ll please.
From what I can gather, I think your personal history, which unfortunately, has had some rather unsavoury parts has embroidered Neil’s history.
In Neil’s take, he puts his hand on the girl’s inner thigh. There is quite a difference between this and your version, which is blatantly “between her legs” (ie, her vagina).
To me, honestly, Neil’s actions sound more like the actions of a clumsy courter (given the circumstances) rather than as an abuser (that I was led to believe before reading his piece). He says that he felt bad about it, frightened at losing control. He says that he apologised to the girl and she never spoke to him again.
Catharsis comes on many levels. Neil’s actions are his and by writing about them, he’s taking responsibility for them.
Even if we were to accuse Neil of being an “abuser”, doesn’t the logic follow that “abusers” are victims themselves? Shouldn’t they be allowed to give voice to their suffering? Do they not have the right to be unsilenced too?
This doesn’t excuse what happened to you. I just think that perhaps the world is not black and white, but a variety of hues. Human beings are, unfortunately, human. Good people do bad things and vice versa.
5
AM
JChevis: Funny, you didn’t read the version of Neil’s post that I did. Neil has since changed his post and taken out all the things I discussed as offensive. But, he let my comments and my post stand. I wonder why a person would do that, huh?
5
AM
I sat down and wrote Maggie a lengthy e-mail about this late yesterday. It had a lot to do with some personal questions (and maybe some suppositions, I guess); I was wrestling through my thoughts and reactions to all of this, not knowing how to articulate them in a way that was cohesive and not at all inflammatory.
HOWEVER, with those last three sentences above (which I saw also on Twitter, in case they are deleted later) he proved out about seventy-five percent of what my e-mail posed.
*sigh*
I don’t understand blog/comments/tweet revisionists. You can’t erase words you have spoken. Likewise we as writers should strive as people with the luxury of words at our command to honor them as well as the trust of our readers.
5
AM
I can’t believe people are still making excuses, and blaming *Kelly*. Actually, I can believe it – it’s the same old song and dance. And it still makes me sick, every time.
5
AM
Amen, Kelly. Amen.
I am having trouble commenting on your post, which was powerful…and also “the truth”, by the way, and no, truth does not make all things acceptable….because I am swirling, getting angrier by the moment, at comments that question your “slant” and your outrage. It’s amazing what patriarchy teaches us.
You are you. You spoke. I’m listening.
5
AM
I am the walking wounded in this. I feel sick.
5
PM
I just want to say that I don’t know who Neil is and I’ve never read his blog until now. I agree with everything that Kate said above.
Yes, it would be different if that girl had written about the incident because then it wouldn’t show the remorse that the perpetrator feels. That girl may very well have written a blog. Other girls like her most certainly have. This man is incapable of writing from her perspective. He can only share his own. As you can only share your own.
I’m uncertain of what penance you would like him to pay. What would appease your outrage in his behalf? Is death by fire the only option? I do not think your fury is unwarranted–but it may be misdirected. Nothing can undo that terrible action. And the girl in question is not available for discussion. So moving forward with the players we have, what outcome would you like to see?
I also agree with the spectrum. I was sexually molested as a child. It affected me and will be with me forever, but it is no where near as traumatic as being raped. I fell once while rock climbing; scraped up my hands, tore off a fingernail and was rather frightened. But as accidents go, it could not reasonably be considered as bad as this man who had to be taken to the ER by helicopter. I do not feel that this minimizes my experience.
When we look up at the stars we feel small because in relation to them, we are. But when we focus on ourselves we shift our perspective to fit our surroundings. An experience can be minor in comparison to someone else’s, while still having a major impact on us. Yes, the emotions produced by an inappropriate touch may be the same as those produced by rape, but the physical associations formed are not necessarily the same. I have no negative association with penile penetration because that was never forcibly created for me.
Your message is an excellent one; one that needs to be heard. You do have a right to be angry and to vent and it’s natural to connect your experience to this one.
Violence like this requires two parties, the abuser and the abused. You want to speak out to help the abused break the cycle. But his speaking out may have a positive effect as well, whatever his intentions. (See the motive fallacy.)
Neil was ignorant of the emotional baggage many women carry on this subject and why. Now he’s learned and so will other men. Dialogue on this subject is crucial. Thank you for bringing it up.
5
PM
Palaver: I agree with a lot of what you said. I am glad Neil spoke out. I do believe it helped. You are entirely right about the absolution. My comment about death by fire is really a metaphor for being angry about what happened to me. I know that. Which, is why right before I said it,”It is not really about that blogger.” I still do not buy into the spectrum idea. I still think to create a spectrum minimizes the abused. We don’t tell a woman who has had her lip split open by an abuser, Oh well. Be glad he did not punch you in the eyes.” I’ve said this before, I’ve been touched and raped. They both cause shame, self-hate, feelings of impotence. They are both wrong. But, I know we are not debating that. Anyway, I’m glad you came by and shared your ideas. Thanks.
6
AM
I’ve just caught up on this situation, and I feel ill. Something about Neil’s original post, and subsequent follow-up posts, just isn’t sitting well with me. And then I read this:
“As for judging him, I’ve always thought the whole tweeting about women’s bodies and needing to screw them, and being angry at them, was schtick…but that post makes all those tweets creepy to me.”
You have hit the nail on the proverbial head, Kelly. Neil routinely sexualizes female bloggers in his posts and tweets. He may have learned not to physically assault women, but he certainly hasn’t learned how to stop objectifying them.
6
AM
I think the spectrum idea is to refer to the differences in personal experience/impact of an experience -like pain threshold variations. Certainly there is no spectrum of one type of trauma is allowable or more tolerable than another. However, as someone who does trauma work for a living- there is a vast range of response to similar events- some people have PTSD from a routine car accident, some have no PTSD symptoms with way more horrific events. Please note I am not saying that one person is any better than the other- just different sets of defenses. For ex.- When my cat has Cancer I am devastated, she is like my child- many people see that as ridiculous!
I have been attacked in my life, at all levels, and it has left it’s mark. I also know that many victims have internalized the perpetrators dynamic.I am not a fan of viewing women as victims. It is a slippery and disempowering position to take.
6
AM
PS- I do not know this Neil guy but I have learned to always trust the frisson of fear. Changing the content of the blog might be in response to his desire not to be offensive since everyone exploded at him… or not… trust is a difficult thing to earn and then lose.
6
AM
danielle, i could not agree more with you! something always rubbed me the wrong way about his “jokes” about womens bra sizes and all that…it’s refreshing for me to read many of the comments on this post kelly!
6
AM
my two cents:
it must be a common chain of events a boy, without experience or guidance but plenty of pent up frustrations, to ride the tide of hormones and inflict crushing blows to a girl’s esteem.
look at how many comments from women say: something similar happened to me. it was horrible. i’ll never forget..
me included: i could make a list of such incidents filed away in my memory – and to take them out and let them play over again: my gut churns, i’m pissed beyond words, i want all those stolen pieces of myself back.
but what about all those boys, who were then just as young, just as naive and just as sexually confused as i was.
comments ask, how would you feel if it was your daughter? But ask too, what if it was your son?
i’ve wonder about the boys that were involved in my own fucked up past, do they know the emotional toll of their actions? do they feel the same shame, the same lurch in their core when they think back on their first fumbling sexual experiences?
maybe this comment will come off as excusing such behavior and that isn’t at all my intention.
i don’t know neil. but i read his post. i can’t help but feel that there are plenty of grown men out there who have horrible memories as well, that regret actions they never would have took – if they had any notion of the power they had.
7
AM
wow.
i’m not going to go into detail about my feeling on this because most of the comments say it better than i could.
just…wow.
8
AM
Why used words like “Fuck!” in this post?
Isn’t linking/smudging the boundaries between anger/fear/sex part of the problem?
8
AM
et: i am so glad you asked that. The whole point of writing this was for me to explore my own rage and why i did not feel entitled to it when i was victimized. Probably because then, like now, women are often made to feel that there anger is unacceptable. Thanks for commenting.